If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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