if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
