and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't deserve a penis
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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