So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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