I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
