there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
