you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
