why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
