when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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