T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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