You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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