I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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