when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
