i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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