why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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