Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
