Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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