he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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