just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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