I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
