Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
