Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
