I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
