My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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