hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
