tell your sister to shave her snatch
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
