listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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