tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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