did you get engaged???
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
