I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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