a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
