Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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