I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
