i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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