I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
