I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
