You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
