why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
