The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
