do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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