Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
