i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
