apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
