Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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