Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
