Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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