things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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