they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
