i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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