I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
