the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
